Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
