I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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