She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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