His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
