Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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