$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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