both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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