my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
how does that bad decision feel?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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