I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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