Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
