How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
