Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
