Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
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All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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