O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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