as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I love having hate sex.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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