I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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