worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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