Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
