I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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