i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
