Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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