the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
