I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
