I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
