sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
