he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
