everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
