i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
