I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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