Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
