K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
