watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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