So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I will pee on everything he values.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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