everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
