Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just found puke in my bra..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
