Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
