She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
