dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
