i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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