wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
