Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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