Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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