Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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