This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
