OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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