be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
