I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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