Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
