Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water