do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it's like iHOP with fire
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?