I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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