apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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