Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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