She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
