Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
