his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
