I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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