Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
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I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
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You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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