i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
