is your mom at the bar?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
